Trapped

First published on Facebook on Thursday, May 22, 2008 at 11:40pm

I was finally able to explain why I feel so trapped here tonight. I know it will probably change by tomorrow, and definitely be different by this time next week, so I wanted to record it.

I feel like this whole entire year I've been trying to live up to some expectations of what it means to be a GAP student at Moor Park. This includes how to get on with the kids, how to interact with the staff and even sometimes how to see myself compared to all of them. And that has been the most difficult thing to do this year.

People often assume that I'm homesick or lonely, but that's not it. I have felt lonely, but some of those moments have been ones of solace and recharging. I do not like living with so many people. I wish I lived on my own, even when I have had some of the best roommates. I enjoy my own company, and cherish my privacy. There was a point when I felt that I got very little of that here.

When I tried to explain to my friend here that I have struggled to live up to these expectations all year, she misunderstood me at first. She thought that I thought the expectations were to be a cheery. happy person, when in fact that's the person I miss the most here. With the staff, often I don't fit into their humour. Nobody seems to really appreciate my "radical" ideas of vegetarianism and I have been too timid to even broach the feminist thing. We discuss the kids and my travels, but that's ever as far as it goes. So, basically, I have failed to make any real connections with them. I think many of them are great people and were the reasons I stayed for the final term, but honestly I doubt we will keep in touch, and that always makes me sad about leaving a place. I know that I have probably had an effect on them, but those are things you will never really know...even when u die.

I can be goofy with the kids, and those are often my favourite moments from the day. But I feel like I am constantly under watch with them, and never quite measuring up to the standards of whoever is watching. That's probably why I love Y3 playground the most - it's just me and the kids. I can be myself 'cause I know the kids will either forget about me or love me. The adults, however, have figured out how to rip your soul in half with a mere look of disapproval, and spread that disapproval faster than wildfire through the rings of the gossip mill until every eye above five feet that you look into meets you with nothing but disrespect. And that wears on a person, especially me. I've always commanded respect when I walk into a situation, but I have found it impossible to hold here, and it's slowly eating its way through me.

As this lack of respect and lack of connection with my "peers" (although the next youngest member of staff is six years older than me, I have worked with adults long enough to consider somebody forty years my senior my peer - especially when working with kids) has punched holes in my soul, I have noticed my energy for the kids being depleted. (Sidebar: Diet has also not helped and today the possibility of anemia was mentioned. Seriously, I know England is pretty meat and potatoes but for a health school, this is ridiculous! They have vegetarian boarders here - those kids are lacking vital nutrients required for growing. That should really be taken care of.) That, above all, might be my biggest regret. There was a time when I could play with them all day, but now I only get their energy from observing their crazy antics. Once again, I have been pushed back to my childhood, watching on the sidelines as everybody with more energy appears happier than me and all I want to do is grab that joy.

I miss that crazy girl who sold make-shift contraceptive to her coworkers out of a borrowed suitcase as she limped through time. I miss that red-headed lunatic that welcomed every new employee with an "oooooooo, I love meeting new people!" I miss organizing events after huge assignments and "corrupting" my friends who could think as fast as I could, but never outdance me at the Blarney Stone. I miss the dedication it took to wait outside of that club in the rain for four hours, just to get our green beer for St. Patty's Day...and then making our own dancefloor with our pitchers in our hands. Basically, I miss being friends with my colleagues, and feeling comfortable at work. That's a sad realization with just seven weeks to go, but it's true...