Expectations and the Experience

First published on Facebook on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at 11:05pm

Hitching a ride into town the other night, I was asked if England had meant my expectations. I love that question, especially about England, because I went into this year without expectations. What I have gained has been an amazing experience.

That does not mean that this has been a happy year. In fact, I wrote in an email recently the realization that difficult times actually enrich an experience because you grow so much as a person. And I know that although being a "GAP student" has made me regress in my growth at times, currently I feel like I have grown. I may not know exactly what has helped me grow, but things have changed. Not always for the better as I am pretty sure my work ethic is not what it used to be, but that erosion began when I was still at Chapters, I think. As this week has proven, though, I am doing better at confrontations and forgiveness. And right now, being able to forgive and move on is really important to me, so I think that's worth the loss of my work ethic.

I was told tonight to stop analysing, but that's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It's not the analysing that gets me down, it's how I deal with my conclusions. And all along I've known that in the end, I would come to terms with them. It was the length of the path there that worried me this time. I never gave up on knowing that I would find myself again, but as I searched, I worried about the permanent damage that self would have.

As my experience in England slowly begins to end, I am still looking forward to the future. I am only looking forward because it is ahead of me, not because that allows me discard another worry from my plate. I have nearly survived the first May of my life where I did not know what I will be doing this September. I think I survived it because I had other things to think about...as well as the fact that I'm beginning to see Edmonton in the fall as another adventure, rather than a fall-back choice. I did begin to worry, though, about how my new and improved self will cope with living with my sister and some new "old friends." I was close to being the person I am today last summer, when I last lived with these friends, but I've grown past that person, and I'm scared that Looney Lane might challenge that new person, if only because of the memories of thoughts associated with it. My expectations for this summer are wobbly at best, and not as blank as the ones I had for England. I know that reliving experiences is never as good as the first time going through them, and that scares me. In my memories, I had a great time at the Village last summer, but I worry now that those memories have set my expectations too high. It will be nice to see old friends again, but still, I have changed and it's always more difficult to go back after changing than to start fresh as a new person.

In this way, I am excited for next fall because things will be familiar, but I'll also be starting something new. I have the benefit of an established support network in Edmonton as I begin anew, but living in a city once again I know that I will meet new people more often and have the time to really get to know them, something I've been missing at my present location. The kids have been great, but the staff at times is challenging and the whole Catholic thing doesn't help. But that's made me realize who I am and who I am not and now I know that it's more important to fight for who I am than to pretend I am somebody that I'm not. At this point, I don't care if that upsets anybody - especially those people who upset me willy nilly - but forgiving them for their ignorance is still difficult.

The thought stroke me this evening as I walked home that my expectations for this year were completely off-base. I know, I just wrote that I had no expectations, but having thought about being in England for five months prior to my arrival, I did have some expectations, at least regarding what I would do in my free time. I cannot describe them nor remember them exactly, but I know that part of it involved my progress on my novel. I thought that I would have more time for writing, and spend my evenings in the middle of nowhere just doing that. But, as life goes, I couldn't write on my laptop and I was too exhausted when Word was working on it that I didn't have the energy to spend on the novel. So, once again, I've put off working on my opus in favour of enjoying the moment. And have I enjoyed it? Maybe. The growth has been good, and it's helped my novel. The characters have become real, albeit if I know that they are all merely a part of myself. Their reasons for existence have changed, though, and that will only add depth to them. The kids have helped that too, by constantly asking me about the book. Tonight I realized that I need to get it done, because the message that inspired it is getting lost in the growth I am going through. I know that my message is stronger now, but the earliest one is vital to what I have to say too, and I fear that with growth, we lose beautiful things along the way.

I feel bad for not working more on my writing, but I know that that guilt will eventually pay off and make me finish it before the deadline. And that's what is more important. I had goals of finishing a rough draft this year, but I don't even have a timeline figured out. I've learned to deal with that and accept it. Like many things that are important to me, I have procrastinated on this. In the end, that is probably for the better, but it's also good to know that I have no goals for the fall...and this could be the first!

It is upsetting when our expectations fail to be met, even more so when we are as solely responsible for them as I have been regarding my novel. Perhaps that is the next lesson learned, albeit it has to be pounded down my throat sometimes. All along, though, I've been ok with putting off my own happiness for this growth. Getting this done, now, though, has no more excuses. So, the next experience I expect to complete is my novel. Let's hope it gets done.