Anti-Volunteerism

First published on Facebook on Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 8:46am

It finally dawned on me last night! I realized why I am absolutely so horribly distraught at Moor Park. Well, I'm not all of the time, but I do often feel like it's a wasted year. Now, don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot and continued to grow, but I've realized why I am discontent there.

Just over a year ago, somebody asked me why I was volunteering in Europe rather than working there. Truth be told, originally the plan was to strengthen a foreign language. Sadly, that programme fell through after I had been accepted, so I went with my second choice of countries - Great Britain. Why I had that as the second choice, I'm not sure, but I still don't regret that. I got to know the UK in many different lights this year - some first-person and many other second-person, and that was the fall-back from Italy. When Kristin and I were in Italy, I wondered what sort of person I would be now if I had gone there instead of Britain, and at the time, I didn't like that person quite so much as the person I had become in the UK instead. That person would not have gone to Morocco. That person would not have felt trapped with a bunch of kids, and lonely because she was the only one her age. That person would be fluent in another language by now, and perhaps she would have seen the underbelly of the Mediterranean instead of the rural sights of England. She would not have reconnected with her younger self in the same way, and confronted the demons hanging onto her soul since childhood. She might have become more involved with the community because it helped her work on her language skills, and she might have been a happier person more often because she was developing a language skill rather than just trying to be a better person.

And that is why I am not happy at Moor Park. I am treated like a lackie rather than a volunteer. When this upsets me, I defend my position as a 'member of staff' rather than a child, and that makes me more upset. I am not a member of staff. In fact, I get paid much less than them to put up with nearly as much §$%& as them, so I should get a bit more respect sometimes. At night, after a shitty day, they can reassure themselves with the fact that at least what they're doing now will help them financially in the long run. Not so with me. In fact, each day here makes me poorer. I do try to reassure myself with telling myself that I have gained something worth more than money here, but it has been difficult - especially lately.

Last night I met a man from Afghanistan. Although I tried to avoid discussions about politics, I got sucked into discussing my opinions on everything and how I keep putting off making a difference 'cause I don't know which difference will actually help. He sparked a soulful quest for me, though, and I am determined to stop putting this one off. I realized that I am unhappy at Moor Park because I don't feel like I'm making a difference. Even looking at my happiest moments from the past few weeks, one can easily discern that it is the moments where I feel I may have made a difference that I cherish the most. But ego has gotten in the way a lot and I spiral down into a pit of selfishness when I don't get the appreciation from the staff for how I am helping.

Basically, there is not a lot of room as a GAP student to make a difference. Like I said, I am either a lackie or a staff member who gets paid much less than everybody else. If this were a respectable position, Cassie and Kim would not have felt such vehemence about being treated like the GAP student who never showed up. Their reaction to that has only aided me feeling worthless here, but I need to get over that and just move on. I remember from my childhood that it was the little things that were said or done to me that made me the person that I am. Like myself as a child, the children I have helped this year will have been through those little moments. Sadly, I feel like there have not been enough of those moments, or that they might all have gone unnoticed. The optimist in me, however, hopes that I am wrong with those doubts.

A big reason for the lack of help I can provide is that the school doesn't really need me. I remember Amy asking me once how I could work for a big corporation like Chapters - it wasn't like me to support a conglomerate, was it? Well, that helped me find my feet a bit and I liked the anonymity I was given within the big company. For a part-time job throughout Uni, it was great. But when I wanted to feel like part of the solution rather than part of the problem, continuing there was no longer an option. This is interesting as it is on my list of possible employees again in the fall. I want my time to mean something though. I want to feel like my morals match my actions, and right now, as far as employment goes, they do not. Hopefully this fall will change that, except for the fact that I need to make money!

So, all in all, this year could have been improved if I was hired by the school to do what I do rather than donating my life to them for ten months. That is what I have learned. Needless to say, I cannot reccomend the same experience to young adults, and I should really let the organization know that. Oh well, something else to add to my to-do list...