Where Am I?

First published on Facebook, as a Note: Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 10:35pm

Last weekend I began to cry when my mom told me she couldn't wait until July. And it wasn't because I'm homesick. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I am excited to see them this summer, but it always comes back to the same thing - I have no home to be homesick for.

It must have been the Christmas before last when this feeling began to root itself in my soul. At least that's as far back as I can recall not wanting to be somewhere that I wasn't. I remember going down to Mom and Dad's new property and everybody else getting so excited about the construction of their new house. I was excited too, but I knew that I, unlike the rest of them, would not be a part of it. We discussed that and the upcoming summer, which they hoped I would be closer to home for. At the time, I wasn't ready to leave Vancouver and I told them that as much as I was happy to be with my family right then, I knew I would be happy when I left as well. After 21 years, I was finally content where I was.

Four months later, I uprooted and after another four months building a new family of friends, I moved again. I now have a little over two months before I leave once again. And that is why I cry.

It's okay, I know I'll be fine in July and enjoy the family surrounding me in the first week and the friends re-claiming me into their family after that. The summer will be short, but sweet and more of my questions about my future may be answered. The fall will come and I'll get into a new routine and before I know it, I'll be off on another adventure the next spring and then moving on to something new. This is the life I want to lead. The one where I chose a place now and settle down is not for me. I know that. In a few years I would get bored with those people and hate myself for wasting my life in one place for such a long time. The place would mean a lot to me, and I know I would continue to grow, but I've also accepted the fact that this other plan is better for me - both who I am and who I enjoy being.

Just because I know all this doesn't mean I'm not thrilled by the idea. I hate saying goodbye. I hate never seeing where people end up. I hate moving on. I know it's good and healthy for me to do so, but I still hate it. The ironic thing is, though, that presently I'm not even enjoying the moments. This fact seems blinding to me as I go through pictures from this year and realize that I'm not enjoying every moment. I told myself that this term was going to be about that, but it hasn't been that way yet at all. This is good, I'm glad I've realized that this weekend. If anything, that means it was all worth it. Everything happens for a reason, no? I might not understand it now, but one day it will all fit together and I'll know it happened this way so that I wouldn't forget the lesson. It's easy, sometimes, to forget the lessons we know so well, and even harder to forgive ourselves for forgetting them.