Surprise Relationships, Healing and Being a Better Role Model

First Published on Facebook: Friday, May 9, 2008 at 10:16pm

This is all just total stream-of-consciousness rubbish that came out as I was updating my grateful list. I liked it as it spluttered onto the page, so I hope it makes sense to you too, and hopefully helps you if you're struggling too. That's basically what my notes have been lately. I feel better for sharing ideas, even if I don't get a response. I feel as if I'm at least saying something, which I haven't done as much of lately...


I never would have imagined the relationship growing between Max and I when I first arrived. Realizing this makes me think about how much I've grown this year. And the boys last term were really helpful with that. Because of them, I can laugh at myself much more now than I could before, and for more sensitive things. Stuff like me sitting on the end table and breaking it, which I laughed along with them about at the end of last term doesn't hurt as much when you laugh about it as when you just blush over it. And Jamie calling my arms sausages was funny the other morning, and I didn't mind talking to them about how it's the other side of my arm that has the muscle. These are things that I'm sensitive about. It's my body and it's always made me hate myself. Not anymore.

Even now as I'm feeling shitty, it's for different reasons, and that makes me happier. I know they're all based on the same issues I developed when I was younger, but this year has helped me face those issues. Realizing that, hopefully I can continue to grow past them and feel better again.

And I really need to feel better. For the rest of my life, I'll have to take better care of myself now. Maybe this all was just the wake-up call I needed. It's too early to say right now. Reflections take a good four-weeks minimum to make sense of things. But I realized today that waiting to feel better really sucks. So the first half of this term is going to be miserable 'cause I made a stupid mistake!

The kids deserve better than that. The kids have been the one thing this whole year keeping me here. Last term, it was Helen and the Crews that I thought of first, but then also the kids. After all that, it was I who needed to have a better experience.

Really, now, I think, my self esteem needs to put myself first, then the kids, and then the staff. I need to get happy again so that I can enjoy what's left here. When I'm happy, the kids will benefit more from my spirit and hopefully become better people. The reason I like working with kids is because I do think I can make a difference in their life, even if it's a small one. And for that, often, I just look at a girl like Georgie, who is so beautiful, but she doesn't know it yet. And I think about how much I want her to find herself and be happy with that.

Then, after all that, I have to tend to the staff. It's not my job to make them happy. And that's been my biggest obstacle this week. I know people are unhappy, and I know it's not my fault, but my presence reminds them of why they're unhappy. I know I'll be better in a week or two, or maybe even after this weekend, but until then, I cannot cope. I know that helping them would make me feel better, but I'm not strong enough to do that yet.

And that's an important thing to learn. As a caring person - a giver - I need to give to myself first. I've been broken for a long time in my life, but I did finally fix myself last term. I broke it all again. Before it fell apart, I could do it - I could help my coworkers. Right now, though, I can't. I'm like a safety boat. If the ship hits an iceberg, I'll save the souls on board, but only if I don't have a leak myself.