A Less Fearful Future

First Published on Facebook, as a note: Monday, April 28, 2008 at 9:21pm

I had an amazing revelation this evening...and rather than having it forgotten by the mugs of hot chocolate I am about to pour down my gland-swollen throat, I knew I should put it down here so that I don't forget it and so that ppl back home know I'm doing ok...and still dreaming about the future rather than dreading it.

An important person in my life tells me frequently - and most often after she's run into somebody from my past - that she knows I will change the future. For the longest time, I believed her. And then I went to university, I learned about all these other people who had changed the world in the past and realized how difficult it really was to do so. So I stopped trying. Not on the surface, but in my heart. I told myself it was too hard. Instead, I should just try to lead by example. So I made myself into the person I thought other people should be. That only made me angry with people who didn't act the same way. But I grew. I matured and realized that I had to forget about those people. My father's words of advice, either given to me or reiterated by my sister to me, resounded in my head and helped me out through the tough times:

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. It's the best way to live without regret.

You can't change other people, you can only change how you react to them.

When you find a person you don't like, figure out what it is about them that you don't like and make sure you aren't the same.

And with those three sayings, you understand more fully why I think my father may never be the wealthiest man in the world, nor the cleverist, but he is definitely the wisest one I know.

But where did I go wrong? Where did I stop thinking about how I was going to change the world? Was it the old story about the man who, only on his deathbed, realized that the best way to do that would have been to change himself. Did I decide then that putting my talent to a more profitable means, like writing this novel that will never be finished (I still got 2.5 years, but it's terrifying me) rather than helping the world with it would be better for me? Or somehow I think the novel will change the world in some way too. Yeah, it might. But what about my brute strength. I've forgotten about that. And a farm girl should never forget about that (I even impressed a 10-yr-old at breakfast with my pipes today ;o))! If I think about it long enough, I think it was not getting a full scholarship in high school to UBC. And that's rubbish. I was less mature then, but I was still devastated at the lack of financial karma sent my way for everything that I did for my school, my community and my country. With what I was given, I think I did a lot. But I also think I was being a bit selfish and not doing it for them but for myself. And, two years later, I even told a dear friend from my childhood that I had given up on helping others because I was so worn out from high school. So, anybody from CHS reading this who has made tonnes of money since then should consider that when the donations they put back into the school go to the people who have been given the silver spoons, or ML's equivalence to that. But that's not what changing the world is about. And I've forgotten that.

Changing the world is about making a difference. The change should start with yourself and you should stop making excuses. I know that right now my employment is a volunteer so I feel like I can't do more than I am already to help others, but I've also lost sight of the people I should be helping. Africa was the topic this evening, and I thought back to Morocco, and Amy and Trudy in Honduras and I realized that my plans for the future are not going to make me the person I want to be. My plans for the future are exciting and ever-changing and terrifying because they are never the same, but they also lack the spirit I want to encapsulate. And when I get that spirit back, the future will not be so scary....

Or at least a girl can dream, no?